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Thread: help me with these issues

  1. #1

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    help me with this
    i lost my dad 4months back i am the only child for my parents got married 1 yr back and my dh lost his job 5 months back
    i am 2 months pregnant now
    i am staying with my mom for past 4months and my in laws are not happy with that decision
    and my husband comes home when i am home and leaves when i go to office
    inspite of knowing the fact i should be calm and happy during pregnancy i am not able to be so
    because of many things
    1)loss of my dad and all memories
    2)my mil criticing everytime i go to her or passing soem or other sercastic remarks everytime i visit her..she never bothered to come my home after my dads death which itches me a lot
    3)i earn good money 35k per month but my dh has no savings and no money and now by my 5-6th month i am planning to quit my job so stressed about financial commitments and future expenses
    4)my mom after dads demise wont talk to me or anyone anymore and gets irate for simple things..for example if i bring grocerries for this month and say mom i am sure this things should last for 1 month without a problem she says ..u just started doing this and i am doing it for so many years and if u feel u are using ur money to run home stop that and use dads money to buy anything etc ..in a very harsh tone..this is juz an example lot more incidents
    5)career issues pressure at office etc
    i am trying to be postive as much as i can but no my stupid brain is not really doing it
    help me with some tips so that i can change myself
    thanks



  2. #2
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    Hi inyangal,

    I didn't get what is your exact problem..

    Your father expired.. So sorry for that.. I can understand you are facing emotional stress with that..
    And yes you were the only child so you are taking care of your mother is OK.. After your father's death if you have lived 2-3 weeks with her and went back to your house then she would have been more strong and delighted coz u understood ur responsibilities with emotions.

    But up-til how much time will you live with her in her house.?? Have you planned anything or just thinking that you are the only child so you must live with her the rest of your life..??
    After marriage a girl's house is her husband's not her father's anymore...
    Might be she is not able to say u this with her mouth coz u are the only child of hers and she don't want to hurt u so she is behaving like that and she is right in those things..

    And second thing is when your husband was not earning you must have thought b4 planning for a baby..
    You don't like ur MIL coz she didn't came when ur father died but what about her feelings that her DIL is going to be a mother but living with her mother leaving her own house.
    And then if she is hurted by your behavior then she would definitely say abusive words to criticize you when u visit her... Coz you must be living in that house not visiting thr..

    Just think again what you are doing...
    In your case you are the one who is doing harm to urself not anyone else.

  3. #3

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    thanks for your reply
    well
    coming to planning for baby u can call me a sentimental fool becuase i am person who belives my dad will be back in my family again as my child and i am capable of taking care of the baby being an engineer and having 5+ yrs expiernce and earning enuf to take care of baby
    and coming to levaing mom and going back my home..do you think being a child i can do that? she took care of me all the years and when i am capable of takcing care of her do you think i should leave her alone in thsi world without anyone to ask her if she is eating if she is well etc? sorry i cant do that
    and well i came here for tips to help me out of situation hope someone does it

  4. #4
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    Looks like you are facing too many things at this point..

    My advice to you would be... take your mom and go and live with your husband.. Your responsibility as a daughter is important but more important is your duty as a wife .. Since you are soon going to be a mother you should see that you are not stressed out... and this can be achieved simply by staying in one place..

    I will not blame your MIL for not approving you living with your mother... Its but natural,,, Also don't expect your MIL should have come for passing on her condolences... Not all In-laws are pally pally...

    Your husband has been with you and that is enough..

    Regarding your mother's attitude it will take sometime for her to adjust .. She was dependent on your dad and now on you so it will take time.. Give her space.. That will work wonders.. You are not leaving her alone.. You can either ask her to accompany you to your house or if she wants to live alone ... let her be.. Its essential for them at times.. You might feel guilty and helpless about not being there for her but at times this works better for all..Call and check periodically if all is well..

    Take care of your health and don't let things go out of hand.. Your mother is important but you must take into account your husband's feelings too..

  5. #5
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    Rada

    You are very correct and I was also saying this but may be my words felt harsh to her...

    Sometimes I wonder people make mistakes in thinking logically and reasonably but then also say that they are correct in everything but they want a solution to the problem.
    And when someone tells them the solution they say that you are wrong...

    They wants solution and at the same time don't want to listen to anyone...

  6. #6

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    rada77
    thank you so much for that advise that made me feel a lot better and yes i am sure thats solution and you had a very postive tone in expressing

  7. #7
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    Dear IG,

    I am sorry to learn of your father's demise. This loss cannot be compensated by anything , however the greates gift God has given mankind is the gift of forgetting. In our life we get scolded or chided for forgetting many things right from the time we were children. but if you look at the positive aspect of foogetting, it comes as a great boon in situations like this when we loose our loved ones.

    We have to just live with the happy memories, but then as they say time and tide waits for none and time is the best healer to heal our wounds and get past the loss. I hope you too will get over your dad's demise but get on with life with happy memories of him.

    Now coming to your problem, its only a matter of adjustment, taking some right decisions at the right time and then keeping everyone in good books.

    You mentioned your Ur hubby lost his job, how does your inlaws family run now ? Is your in laws well off or they have a steady income / pension etc ?

    Are they unhappy becos you left their house and moved to your mom's place or is it becos of the fact that you share of the expense contribution was cut since the time you moved out ?

    I am just asking these questions to assess the situation so that appropriate advice can be given.

    As Rada mentioned it would be prudent to go back to your inlaws place after having a chat with them and also your mom. You may return to your mom's house about a month before your delivery and a further period of two or three months post your delivery. That way, you would be better off with your mom rather than your MIL. All these should be discussed upfront before you go back to avoid future mis understandings.

    About your mother, more than you, she has lived most of her life with your father and would have felt his loss more than any one else. When your father was alive, i guess she was incharge of the house and managed everything. Now she resents your comment about the expenses. I would advise you not to read too much in to it and forget what she told you even if it was an angry shot back comment. After all she is your mother and must have done so much for you since you were a child. We can never be grateful enough to our parents for all the care they gave us when we were young. May be she is stressed out, and feeling very lonely.

    As you are carrying, it is more important for you to be healthy phsyically and mentally. so you should take care of your health and body and also have a healthy mind. Just learn to relax. If at all you get upset or angry over anything, close your eyes and mediate for 5 minutes, the depression or anger would go off. Scientists say that our frame of mind affects the foetus in the womb ( Positively and Negatively) Si in the best interests of yourself and your to be born baby, be calm in all situations, thats is the best way to happiness.

    This is the time where you would need to turn your attention to things you liked very much, like reading books that you wanted to read but never got that time, listen to soothing music, go on walks in the morning , enjoy the nature and call up friend and cousins with whom you share a bond. All these helps a lot.

    Now coming to your job, you should not leave your job at any cost, becos thats the life line. You should not be dependant on your inlwas or mother for anything. Moreover you will have more expenses once the baby is born and as your husband is also unemployed it is all the more important that you have a job on hand and a steady flow of income. if your husband geta job, that woud augument the income.

    I dont the situation at your end, but depending on the requirement you can choose to contribute a fixed sum every mont to your mom or your inlaws as many issyues on most households today are created becos of money shortfall.

    Another most important factor you have to keep in mind is that, make sure your husband never gets demoralised. You have to support him and keep him in positive spirit. Tell him that you are alwys there for him and that you also respect your inlaws and lets together see how we can rebuild a happy home for ourselfves.

    I am sure, things will improve in the coming days, like it is said in the Bhagavad Gita, that " This one too will pass " be patient, keep praying, think positively and everything will fall in place.

    Best Wishes dear,

    Sanjay




    > inyangal wrote:

    > help me with this
    i lost my dad 4months back i am the only child for my parents got married 1 yr back and my dh lost his job 5 months back
    i am 2 months pregnant now
    i am staying with my mom for past 4months and my in laws are not happy with that decision
    and my husband comes home when i am home and leaves when i go to office
    inspite of knowing the fact i should be calm and happy during pregnancy i am not able to be so
    because of many things
    1)loss of my dad and all memories
    2)my mil criticing everytime i go to her or passing soem or other sercastic remarks everytime i visit her..she never bothered to come my home after my dads death which itches me a lot
    3)i earn good money 35k per month but my dh has no savings and no money and now by my 5-6th month i am planning to quit my job so stressed about financial commitments and future expenses
    4)my mom after dads demise wont talk to me or anyone anymore and gets irate for simple things..for example if i bring grocerries for this month and say mom i am sure this things should last for 1 month without a problem she says ..u just started doing this and i am doing it for so many years and if u feel u are using ur money to run home stop that and use dads money to buy anything etc ..in a very harsh tone..this is juz an example lot more incidents
    5)career issues pressure at office etc
    i am trying to be postive as much as i can but no my stupid brain is not really doing it
    help me with some tips so that i can change myself
    thanks

  8. #8

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    sanjay
    that was gem of an epxlanation
    you reallly understood my pain
    thanks a lot as i need soothening words in this phase of life rather than crude remarks
    thanks again for all tips you have me

  9. #9
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    Hi IG,

    You are most Welcome, Please drop by at SD and share your thoughts with us anytime you feel down or up. We are here for you.

    Have a nice day, Take Care .

    Sanju




    > inyangal wrote:

    > sanjay
    that was gem of an epxlanation
    you reallly understood my pain
    thanks a lot as i need soothening words in this phase of life rather than crude remarks
    thanks again for all tips you have me

  10. #10
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    Well said Sanjay..



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