Thread: UK NRI - Not compatible with Indian wife
I have been living in UK for some time and got married about 2 years ago from a girl from india.
She is a very religious / vegetarian girl and i am completely opposite. I don't mind that... i cook my own food and she cooks her own...
She is always relaxed and does not realise at all what is the importance of time in life. Before marriage she wasted years doing nothing waiting to get married and then after marriage, she had to be convinced to work. its not that i wanted her to work for a great job, but just enough to support herself so that I can repay the big loan that i have taken for my studies.
recession did not help with pay cuts and no promotion / job risk in the past 2 years. I did leave her in india for quite some time and did not call her here for months but she stayed at my parent's home and not hers during all the time.
She can't enjoy any other food other than curry and does not appreciate any foreign culture.. and always telling me how much she hates this place and country (UK) and wants to go home..
we had met just twice before marriage and rarely talked, she assumed so many things about me looking at her sisters and inlaws... (its not that she is so good looking that everyone will go crazy .. she is an average village girl from india) .. not that i am great but ...
she always compares me to everyone else and how i am not as good a husband than everyone else she knows. her romance style is also very village style with rules of how to be together. i always feel uncomfortable near her and could never enjoy her company... it was always strange to be next to her..
As i had not known her enough, i had agreed with her that we will not have any physical relationship with each other untill we understand each other. I do respect her a lot as a woman and i thought this is the best course of action (no physical relationship). I did not want to use her as we are married but as a person who will be with me.
she always said that we should be together / love each other because we are married.... and i believe that we should be together becasue we love each other ...
I am mostly out at site due to construction work and in the current market, the work has been intense. she wants me to be home all the time (which i understant) but its very difficult for me to travel for hours daily.
i have told her that i don't love her and just because we are married it does not mean that i have to love her... love cannot be forced and the more she / her family force me, the more i feel distant...
since she is here, she is totally dependent on me and always accuses me that i leave her alone in this foreign country... i am living in a foreign country, so am i.. make friends like i do, but she does not want to make any friends... she was never exposed to any body other than girls and she can't talk to guys.
this is leading to lots of fights and i don't feel comfortable at home.. she says that i am very selfish and does not care about any one else... i have never shouted at her or physically abused her
i don't know what to say.. i don't love her and we have completely different tastes, our parents are sad as well because of our marriage not working well.. she talks about adjusting all the time, but some things cannot be adjusted like my working times, my friends in UK, networking drinks, site visits, etc. It will be a few years before i can relax and enjoy but for now i need to work really hard...
i think its better we realise that we are not made for each other and start afresh.. its not too late (2 years to our marriage)
my whole life is getting worse and worse everyday... i cant work.. cant sleep, cant eat properly and it has severly affected my work..
i have told her very clearly what my feelings are and i feel much more comfortable with my friends (girls) instead of her now...
I don't know what to do.. i don't want to live in an adjustment marriage.. i want to be free ..
i have looked at articles on the internet and the most scary thing at the moment is the indian legislation against men... men have no way to save themselves if women get annoyed... probably this is one big reason that i did not talk to her earlier but i can't take it any more...
i always feel trapped and caged near her... staying away from her makes me relaxed now... i have told her this fact... i have tried to be honest to her stating all my thoughts ... it definitely hurts her i guess but don't want to live a fake life .. cause it will be unfair to her...
i had modelled my wife as per my mom and she is nowhere near what she is .. which is one big turn off... and on top of that i admire any girl which is smart and intelligent (in a cosmopolitan way) ... my wife always act dumb and has no idea what to do most of the time... in the end, i have to either guide her all the way or do it on my own..
i still respect my wife but i don't love her at all and slowly its getting worse... i can't stand her..
any help from any of you guys will be greatly appreciated...
thanks a lot
I just feel like killing myself all the time to get away from this situation...
As per your details you seem outgoing, modern types, You married her and met her only twice...that's surprising.
You want to leave her do you ever think about the life she will have after divorce given to understand that she is from village . she will be completely ruined.
You have studied in uk therefore you have friends there, Understand her situation she is alone here, she married you and believed you and left her parents, her own country and came to stay with you.
You should understand that she will take time to adjust with this life. Donot expect miracles she might be under cultural shock.
You are running away from the problem which was created by you. I think instead of running away,be with her so she gets confidence and build trust. she will change but for that you also have to loosen yourself and adapt little of her way also. A relationship will flourish only when both of you add love and dedicate to each other..she should also try to change herself since she was aware that she will be staying abroad with you.
Donot break the relation as you might recover with your broad thinking but she might loose everything in her life..
Thanks for your advice... i know that it can be very difficult for her...
but somehow i don't like her at all.. nothing... just to make things clear.. it was a lot of pressure for me to marraige her from my home town for which i tried very hard to resist but the emotional blackmail by everyone made me surrender...
the only reason i did not tell her about my hate so early was that i wanted her to become independent and understand life a bit before i say so and it may even change my mind...
but somehow she does not understand what it means to be independent... she asks me all the time where i am .. what i am doing... its very odd for me.. i hate to be questioned....all the time about what i do... she believes that now as she is married to me ... its my responsibility to take care of her ...
there can be so many things but anyways... i konw there are so many things to worry about for her in the social atmosphere... but i can't think of living my life like this... just because i have to adjust... and she is dependent on me...
i don't know what am i going to do... hopefully telling her my feelings was the right thing to do... she needs to understand my position as well.. i can pity her situation but not love her anymore... we have completely different expectations to life.. her aim of life was marriage and thats it... nothing less... nothing more...
anyways... thanks for your advice... hopefully she will understand that its better to find the true love and live with life with him rather than a person who can only pity her...
i think my first priority is to teach her how to be independent and feel more confident that there is more life to come even after me... she should find her true love what she desires and always compares me with the people she knows...
need to go ... need to rest... need to concentrate at work as well... cause things are not very promising there as well due to poor business in the past couple of years...
maybe i am the root cause of all the evil in the family and me disappearing will keep everyone happy...
@ newmember - ur wife is rite.., she should be religious n respect our culture.., n well once you are married you should take resposibilty of your wife n family that is called life.., just running away from the life for you enjoyment is not rite.., go and speak with your wife tell your feelings to her she will understand you, divorce is not the best solution..,
dont adopt the UK life style think about our religion n culture, n repect it..,
may god give you happienss in your life
Similar case but I am on other side! Can you see how I feel...
Married 2 years back to a person who was confused enough to know what he wanted in life.I refused to marry him when he told that he wanted to settle in UK, but then he changed his mind to settle in India.
We got married. I had good education and a better job.I was independant, could support myself and family comfortably, and my husband was having good job too..
But as he had come from U.K, he had different concepts regarding marriage and his views were completely different from what his background had.
He liked to watch the usual stuff NRI's do on internet, OK I told him that I didn't like but tried to adjust.
He grabbed the first opputunity that came his way to come to UK, without thinking of my career and my opinion.
After coming here, his parents were not there to see what he was doing..I became a housewife doing all needed for home. But noticed some change in him as soon as we came here. He was always on internet.
Browsed history and found that person on dating sites and he always had someone on net for adult chat ever since we were married.
So, I realised that even if I was educated,(and not from any village), I was intelligent..I can say that and had a good job. But still I am blamed for all the mistakes that I don't do, I am ridiculed because I don't know too much about this place, and I have to fight with my husband to go out with my friends even once a month..because all he is concerned about is his breakfast , lunch and dinner. Is this all you NRI's think about when you go to India to marry a girl?
Don't you think people should be responsible for when they take other people's life,career,emotions in their hands and take decisions for them. Isn't this world different from that! How can you expect someone else to change for you when you don't move even an inch.
Think before marrying! We girls are different from those whom you meet in UK.
Maybe your wife is nice enough not telling you all these, but she is doing no good to herself
I have only one question in mind to ask these NRIs.
If you that the Girl does not match with you from perspective of culture or customs, Why do you marry Indian girl from India?
Just for getting cheper Cook and Maid or ? (Also to satisfy sexual objective)
Why the hell don't you people marry NRI girl who is born there itself, rather than spoiling life of woman from India and now seeking reasons for divorce.
@anjali2010: I agree with you and appreciate your effort to post.
But I would like to bring to your notice that, in some case parents of indian girl are more greedy about NRI Match(Do not take personal It is general view based on what I see in society around me). The objective behind this is that, they see their daughter is happy in future and do not face problems what they have faced struggling in their life.
For them only financial condition & status of the Groom is the main criteria to decide the marriage but they do not know the reality after marriage. This is very sad.
Hi Aesthete! Thanks for sharing your views!
I know people in India are not well aware of what could be the situation here because the picture projected by some NRI's is quite different than what it really is!
I knew a bit about such things happening as people who are brought up in UK are prone to adopt this culture and I do appreciate those who are honest enough to tell the truth.
Me and my parents really never wanted to get any NRI match for me because we are emotionally quite attached to each other in our family, but it was my luck which had to be like this!!
Anyways! What I want to say is there should be some proper social organisation which can make people aware of all such things and the big big cultural differences and the problems faced.
There should be some secret and secure method of getting the real character sketch and cultural preferences of the individuals who wish to marry in India.
Could there ever be any such foolproof system?
@anjali2010: I guess you have to contact private detective :^)
They will charge money but give actual proof. ;-)
First of all.. nice to know your view points...
but to be honest,,, we NRI guys should also check with professional detectives what the girl's parents are talking about their girl is correct??? they all say that she is very intelligent and knows how to handle herself.. but in the end all they do is depend on us to feed them, take care of them, provide everything and also worry about what they want as entertainment... what is this supposed to mean??? we are not care takers..
talking about making girl work at home like maid... if i want a maid, i can have one and she will be much cheaper than the maintenance of a wife... (sex is not something limited as it used to be in India as well now ) she thinks that if she does lunch, breakfast and house cleaning she has finished all her duties?????? I don't want that.. i have stayed away from home for long enough and I like to do things my way... moreover, i am more sincere about cleaning and atticates as compared to her... she does all the things half heartedly and for the sake of it... thats not a wife is for..
If girls are so much attached to the way they live in your home / village / town, why do you go abroad if you don't want the life style...
i like to be with someone who shares my interests, can talk about work (which she has no idea what i do???), discuss about future and how to arrange finances, etc... all i get is good food (which is good for her as loves veggie and i am a total carnivorous).. so nothing that i want...
there is no point dragging a life when you have no compatibility with your partner just for the sake of being married.. it sounds good to talkto others but it is very difficult to see the face of some one you don't like when you enter home and always need to worry about someone you don't care about... and on the great side of it.. the girl's very easily keeps sitting and hoping things will change without bothering to take care of herself...
she knew from the start that i am not a rich guy and am short of money... reason being i borrowed loan for my study and want to pay that asap to be able to enjoy my life... but until now all my savings has gone in either supporting her shopping, travel, visas, travel tickets .... when she came here she didn't even have anything decent enough to wear and had to get everything done ... its not cheap when you are trying so hard to save...
One of the things which I hate the most about the so called traditional indian girls is that their whole life is all about getting married.. thats all their life is about.. get married, have kids and thats it... nothing else.. lfie is so much more.. may be its their perogative but thats not my life...
With so much different outlook to life it is not going to last forever..
Anyways.. its ones own view / perspective, which i cannot question...
Either ways, i have already told her straight forward that i don't love her and don't want to be with her... i am happy to help her do something with her life but if she is going to sit idle at home and expect me to take care of her all the time just because we got married ... i am not goint to do so...
if she is has no capability to do anything or does not want to do anything with her life then fine... i am not going to stick to it...
just like anyone else, i want to travel, enjoy my life, buy a car / house.. .and for all that i will need to work really hard saving every bit and just because we are married, I will not bring my life to a stand still... Wife is supposed to support or even walk side by side.. not drag it behind...
I know her view point as well cause we have argued about things as well... she thinks i am selfish, etc, etc ... so be it.. she is too...
I am not treating her badly or starving her to death.. just that i don't love her and don't want to be with her.. i am not accusing her of being bad or wrong, its just that we don't match.. she would be great with someone she thinks matches her ideal guy criteria...
It is also because of the fact that i have stayed away from home all the time and my thinking is not the same as home (India) but its too late now..
I truly deeply hate her (not as a bad person but something that i don't like to be with or even see at all)...
I would also suggest you traditional girls to think very seriously before marrige about what kind of life is expected out of this bond..
Please don't think that I am suggesting that its completely bad, ITS NOT, i have loads of friends who are quite happy with such marriges, but there are always times when things just don't work out at all...
Well enough of my story, thanks for the responses...
It seems your wife has not yet fully recovered from the cultural shock since she came to the UK. I think it could be bocoz she doesn't have any family or friends here with whom she could talk and share her fears and anxieties about the lifestyle she has to face here. The longer one leaves things unattended the harder it gets to deal with them. Your wife has now settled in her own cocoon and might be scared to come out of it. She could be suffering from homesickness, depression and self-pity.
I can understand your irritation with the whole situation. There is a way out of this - You live in London where there is a large Indian community. If you are Hindu take her to the temple on Sundays when the community meets up. You only have to do it a few times with her - she will be Ok on her own after a few visits.
Take her to the local library. There is usually lots of information about various coffee-mornings, language classes, short term training courses, other meetings of ladies like your wife, who are new here and find adjusting to the new culture difficult. Persuade your wife to join these sessions. They are free classes. Once she starts knowing other ladies she will realise that there is life out there.
I know you feel tired of this situation but just help her with these things and the rest will take care of itself. She needs help in getting started and once she has found a few friends and her way around things she will be Ok to take care of herself.
If in future you still don't want to be with her then at least you would have done your bit about helping her become independent and won't have to live with guilt. The ball will be in her court then.
Thanks for the suggestion Ruby Ruby...
I have tried a few of your suggestions... I specifically rented a place which is currently shared with an Indian Family so that she has company to enjoy as I have a very busy / travelling job.
There is a very nice library near the house and ofcourse just like to you said has good language courses, etc. But the only place she ever goes is the yoga classes where odd people come and she hasn't managed to make friends with even one of them... (she has been going there for a couple of months now)
Sorry about the temple, I don't visit them, for years now..
But i will try the other options and see how it goes... The only reason I haven't divorced her is the fact that I want her to be independent first... but i am not so financially strong to support her for long which is driving me crazy... instead of the free courses which are at odd times (as if she is very busy) she wants to join some training courses which cost a few grands.... i can't support that and she knows that very well, why can't she find something simple???
its not that she is not looking for job ... she is trying very hard but she doesn't realise that to get a job you must convince the people that you are the right person FOR the job and not that the company is desperate to employ you... with the recession more people are competing for every job and you have to prove yourself to be special to be hired... but no... she thinks she is too cool for the people and they should be chasing her rather than other way around.. any ways..
quite a few things have added up which has resulted in the current situation... one of the most irritating thing is that she does not know what to do with life????? her whole purpose of living was to get married and sings songs from some old bollywood movie... and now with marrige over she has no purpose in life???? what if something happened to me... she has nothing that she can do????
Something will sort it out, I have already explained the situation to her and my parents that I want to be out of this (so called) marrige.... it has come the point that whatever happens i cannot love her and living together will be a big mess...
But thanks for the suggestions once again... i would be very happy if she becomes independent and can't wait for that...
You must have a cool and calm chat with her and tell her that all the various things that you are suggesting her to do are for her own good. She cant just sit and waste her life away like this.
If she wants to do some course in the college or uni she can do it but tell her that she will have to apply for some sort of benefits herself (like income support or student support) as you can't pay her fees.
Going to the temple idea was to just show her where it is and how to reach there. She can then go on her own later on.
Well i guess you just have to keep pushing her to get off her bums and try to get a life. If I can think of something else i will come back to you.
What you are talking about is one of my own worries as I have met a HP kuri from punjab and shes pretty and we have discussed a lot of things future life, work and her intentions and expectations and mine. Even explained to her the potential life being with me as I live in a white area and explained to her that her English would have to be better than most asians that come here. We have been very open and my fear is the very one that you are explaining.
All I can say to you is that I wish this works out for you. It takes two you need to have a heart to heart and if it's irreparable then you will need to take important steps and look at the future for you. Do you have children that's one thing I have not read?