Thread: How to Deal with In-laws
Dear Malls123 and Simi,
I really appreciate your Excellent , Clear and Crisp advice. It cant be any better than this. By the time I finished reading Rag's mile long post I had come to a conclusion what to write and I didnt even notice the original post date and then below I saw your posts leaving nothing to chance.
Kudos to you Wonderful DILs ) Leading the Way in the US and UK respectively.
Magic Sweety, surprised to see you here, anyway catch you on Google talk about this one !
Bye and Best Wishes Sanjay
PS. Mods. Tanvi and Damsel, if possible please drop a mail to Rags to check the answers post her original message and also to check how she is doing now. I hope and pray that her sufferings are over and she is at peace now, happily spending time with her baby and hubby.
[quote=malls13]My Dear r2rags and share_123, a suggestion for you, of all people your SILs cannot ruin your life.Period.
If your husbands do not understand the mental strain you are undergoing, there are fools. They are ignoring, make them understand.
Take life into your own hands. Move out. If Ils start getting heart attacks over such issues, let them have it, they are manipulating you.
Stay away until your husbands agree. If you are educated enough find a job and live independently. Having a kid will not take away the problem. It won't. Believe me. What world are you living in. Stop being submissive. If mom and dad never taught learn how to fend for youself. NOW
Give your money to ils only so much as they need and rest of hte household manage on your own.
Come one rags you are a teacher. IS this the role model you are giving to you future generations.
They are wrong not you. Who is that bullshit SIL, doesn't she know how to do her taks, if they don't get done leave it dont bother to do it.
Try this seriously, just dont do it. Either they do or it wont get done. Trun off the TV. Tell them you make rules in the house. Be firm but polite.
Please girls, dont live in an extended Sas bahu drama. Unlike TV, no one's gonna help you. Help yourslef. See if your husbands help, if they don't defend yourself. Show your husband you love him respect his relaitons but they cannot disrespect you.
PLEASE dont habituated to this shit behaviur, we can do much better in INDIA, we too have laws............[/quote]
Hi there r2rags,
OK now let me tell u some thing also.I am not that good at advising but I am in the same state as that of yours , and a little bit worse than that .Everybody thinks that their problem is the most worst in the world.I cry by myself thinking oh god what on the earth have I done to suffer like this but,then I think I encourage myself by saying we are young and they are old ,that may be only for a few days,they r getting old and will fall one day and will come a time when they repent ...............we have to wait a long time
I agree with simi0202. Things worked for me is TALKING LESS, STAYING AWAY AND STILL CARING... I have also passed my message clearly that I am not going to tolerate this... if required i will separate... he has to choose between me and his family... I love myself and cannot let me down all the time...
Can i have you email address simi0202???
8o| Very interesting thread. Old yet still sticky! I was just thinkinh, aren't there any MILS around here who can give a nice yet different story?
I wish I heard from you after your post. Have you stopped coming to sukh-dukh.coma t all?
My story is quite similar to r2rgs in many lines except the fact that there are more characters in mine and some are really dangerous. I would like to tell you what happened with me, how and why I moved out. I am sorry, its long. Kindly read.
I am an only daughter of my parents petted and pampered well. But I did not enjoy the luxuries of life being brought up in a joint family and my bringing up was quite strict. I met my later-2-b-husband quite unexpectedly and it was a love arranged marriage. But my problems started as early as b4 my marriage. :)) My husband has an elder bro and younger sis. My SIL is decent comparatively and stays out of issues, at least directly she is never involved and has not created any problems.
Major causes for rifts!
1. I was 21. My husband was quite innocent like many men and trusted his mother completely. Whatever was discussed between went straight to my MIL's ears including my desire to build a small house etc. I was not fully aware of it.
2. My MIL created a lot of issues when my husband booked a new house even before marriage. She said that it was because of me. My BIL had a house and my SIL had another. And why the hell can't we have one unless the parents house was registered as ours?
3.My BIL's wife was very close to my husband as a sister though she has taken more freedom with him than his sister did. She was not keen to meet me or talk to me while she wanted to "gupshup" with him. And my BIL was very indifferent towards me and to this. My family and myself was not pleased with this attitude. But my husband and his family were defensive giving full support to her saying that "whats wrong in that". I told my husband to speak to her and make her understand as he were very close with her that we do not appreciate unnecessary freedom. He told that to his mother! 8o| And she promised that she will do it for me which she never did. Instead she told me to ignore her unpleasant comments. (6) Things got worse when my co-sister (BIL's wife) told my husband about a foreign job offer 2 days before my engagement. I got worried because we had not even decided on the date of our marriage. My husband, as many men fond of overseas, said that he will still apply. And we fought as I was scared. We felt that she was too interfering when the marriage was getting closer.
My co-sister had a say in everything- what husband would wear, where my husband should take me for honeymoon, how decorated the reception hall should be (of course using my husband's money) what car should my husband should buy etc. etc...But I am an educated woman with preferences and I wanted my marriage to go on according to my wish. For me, it was more than enough that we chnaged our engagement date for her convenience and travelled to his place for engagement (which quite odd in India).
Even when I got married these kinds of interferences (intentional? I dont know) went on. BTW, we all stayed together including his grand parents. Finally, I decided to talk to my co-sister myself and I did. No, I did not quarrel. I just told about the fights we had because of her. She pretended to be happy that I became close to her and told her "eveything". She told me about all the problems she had as a bahu. I was happy that things got solved. ^o)
THEN, after a few days I got to know from my MIL that she talked to my SIL. She told her that "meine aur Veettammane milke aap logon ki itni boorai ki ki abhi mujhe bura lag raha he". I got the shock of my life. I was married only for a few months and is this the way my new relatives behaved? My MIL was decent when she told me this. Neat!
THEN things gradually worsened. :-( They began to show favouritism towards my co-sister. She will get all the costly gifts and I the routine ones. We will have to adjust for their sake as if they were the newly weds. She will taunt me in front of my in-laws or otherwise and I am supposed to ignore it. My discussions with my husband often concluded in tears and fights. He told me "u r imagining things, things will be good only when they understand u better and know that u r better groomed than her".
# ##Now the similarities with r2rgs. My MIL will not let me do anything in the house. Good in one way bad in another. She complained to my mom that I did not help her on anything. Bloody F***! We did not have the freedom to even change a furniture in our bedroom, to clean it (dirty) or opt out from a family function. My co-sister can do whatever she wants. Every body is afraid of her what proud reason I dont know. (for additional details on us read [url]http://www.sukh-dukh.com/forums/viewtopic.php?id=38537[/url])
### when we said we were movng my MIL created a racket. She fought with my husband like a tigress. My FIL told him that if he or his wife cannot live with them according to their norm he will kick us out. As if we were bent on living with them forever.
We moved out sometime soon!!! A big set of problems ended there.
My In-laws are still very partial. I don't care how behave towards their daughter because always, indeniably, daughters are special. I disqualify that part. But why show difference between elder son and younger son? And how elder son's wife can efford to be rude to the younger son's wife? By what right? (6) I just hate her and I am jealous that however stupidly she behaves they defend her against us.
well I do feel sorry for you. I totally get the whole SIL thing, I can well imagine your situation.
I have a cousin who was married a few years ago, divorced recently cuz his wife was not willing to put up the same situation, (although my cuz's parents are still back in the 19th century)))
I am not defending your in-laws as I really feel for you, but please note that newly wed wives are also sometimes quite hard to deal with - especially when newly wed wives dont know the history of the family she's marrying into. For me, we have suffered some immense personal hardship in that I've lost so many loved ones and they will be missing on my big day... .
I am the youngest son of a widow and about to get married. My wife to be lives away from home and my family lives about 3000 miles away from where I live. That said, my mom and family are very hands off, yet I feel fortunate that my future in-laws are quit hands off and they know who's the boss, we shall see how things pan out with my future in-laws.
I told my wife to be that we need to be careful on how much we spend on family for birthdays and celebrations etc. But my wife to be seems dead set on continuing her traditions of birthdays and various functions - so I will do the same. She might then realize tha we simply cannot afford to continue doing this?
Yet her brother and sister in law have done to help with the wedding. I find them to be all about the money and really no substance underneath. I live on my own in this country as all of my family is based in another country. All of her family is in this country, don't like that but my job brought me here... .
any advice on how to deal with my wife's parents and family?
In laws , the biggest reason for my pain
My inlaws can be best described in one word as people who straight came out of hell....
We had arrange marriage and his parents came to our house first to see me and my father asked if they had any demand they said pls give your daughter only in three clothes ... we want a daughter not a DIL... My parenst got impressed and we had our rokka cermony in a posh restaurant of delhi .. then had a big Ring ceremony party at banqust hall but before our saganwhich was hust 15 days to go my inlaws started asking for dowry
literally the way i used to see in television , i could not believe myself... that its happening to me... Thye asked for LCD , refrigerator, Gold set, Sofa set, Dining table set Air conditioner, Branded Clothes Suits, Sarees, Gold rins, and what not..... As my parents had already done our Ring ceremny in public , they said yes for it.. although they thought that its only their greedy nature and they will behave good with me once i go their house.. my husband has a younger brother as well who is studying in college ....
The day i got married they asked for my salary ,every pennuy of it.. evenm my husband's salary they take.. when i told my husband how will we spent on our necessities and how will we save for future. he broke a big fight with me slapped me in front of his parents and what not... i got pregant in 1.5 motnhs of marriage only.... its all so deep and so intense that i feel short of words... i came back to my prnets house and my hosband then came and asked them to send me back... as i was pregnant my parents also sent me but he kept on repeating this behaviour as my inlaws kept on pressurising him. now we r not living with my inlaws but they still control our lives.. his mother behaves in such a strange manner i cant expalin... his father is a unique piece on earth... he himself says that why God gave me such parenys.. they always keep on telling him that we gave u education whereas he used to earn my tutuions from 12 onwars to have money for his further studies... his father earns by tutions but is not ready to spet a sngle penny of his.....
Such MEan Inlaws one only sees in Movies only...
I just hope they leave me , my son and husband alone so that we can live our lives peacefully