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Thread: Troubled Marriage

  1. #1

    Troubled Marriage

    Hi,

    I have been married for over 3 years now. I have had constant arguments with my husband in my relationship.

    One week passes as if I am on a bed of roses and the next week we fight on something. I know every couple argues but my husband can't stand an argument and he starts hitting me.
    I love him from the core of my heart and he is also all protective about me but his terms should be met.

    When he is angry, I should be quite. When I am angry, I should maintain my tone. If I don't then I am taught the same with a nice beating session.
    It is not that he enjoys it. He is all sweaty when he gets angry and later regrets his actions. But he always says that everything is in my hands. I can handle the situation and avoid the fights. I have to understand that if he is angry I have to remain silent and if I am angry I should simply go out or do something but never say or use harsh words aganist him else he will teach me a lesson.
    We both have tried to nuture our relationship. I have invested every single penny of my earnings towards buying a new house for ourseleves and as part of daily household expenses and same with him.
    Till the time, I remain quite, things are wonderful. When I get angry, he gets twice as angry and things turn to dust.
    All my efforts, all the love just goes away. When he is angry, all he can see is that I am a culprit and I must be taught a lesson. He says I speak really ill when I am angry and if he does not teach me a lesson, I will be left alone. No one would like to be with me.
    But I am really fed up with all the beatings. I am scared to smile. Because, I have to cry the very next moment.
    One fight even ended up in a bleeding nose and swollen eye.
    Am I the one to blame? I have asked for help from all his family members but all say that I should not do anything that makes him angry. Please guide me. This is affecting my health, my job everything..
    I never thought of a day without him but I fear if one fight would be the last day of my life.
    Please help me.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Hi Charu,

    Your post shows the love and affection you have for your hubby. Better take him for counseling and this will help him to control his anger to a great extent. This is mainly because of the depression and work pressure.

    Try to talk to him, when he is in a good state regarding his temper. This anger should not lead the pavement to many of the illnesses not only for him, but also for you. Now, it is not late. Be positive; you have to convince him in such a way that he should come for the counseling out of his will.

    Never lose hope. Things will be alright soon!!!

  3. #3
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    Thumbs up Hi Charu,

    I agree with Geetu... Its not too much late..
    Your post shows that you love him too much and don't want to give up on this relationship.. So better give it a try for some more time...

    Talk to him nicely when he's is good mood and convince him to take counselling sessions along with you... If he gets ready then that means he also wants to make up and he loves you too the same way you love him...
    But if he refuses and says that he is not at any fault and only you are the one at 100% the fault then No need to keep loving him and get beatings for the rest of your life...

    About your in-laws I would tell you one thing that No-one in this world will agree that their Son has done anything wrong.. We are living in a real society and those serials like Balika wadhu & all are just Bullshit..
    In real world, everyone wants to show that they are never at fault & if they agree to the fact that their Son did something wrong then they fear that the society will say that you people had done wrong parenting that is why your son is like that....
    So always remember that asking them for help will not make things any easier for you...

    And don't forget one more thing, In a marriage Husband and Wife are the 2 sides of a coin where No1 is greater and No1 is smaller.. Your husband has every right on you but not the right to Beat you at all... Whatever may be the reason, But If he beats you and shows the Bossy behavior, this means his mentality is Sick and He needs some Psychiatric treatment.. And If his Parents says that He is right & the fault is yours so you should take the beatings without saying a word then they too are also as sick as he is...

    Whoever may be at fault but to beat your wife saying that this is the punishment to her deeds is an offence... Problems are solved when you talk to each other & try to solve the matter... But when hitting & beating starts it indicates that the essence of a Happy life already died, n you cannot solve anything after that..

    All the Best... Don't Loose Hope and Try what you can...

  4. #4
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    Hi Charu

    I am very sad to read your post. Could you please answer something for me?
    You say you & your husband constantly argue. What are the reasons or causes of these regular arguments? Who usually starts the arguments?*

    If you can answer these questions it might give an insight into the problem and hopefully a solution.

  5. #5

    Thanks

    Hi All,

    Thanks for taking out time and replying to my post.
    I also finally shared my problems with my younger sister. When she came to know she and my brother-in-law came to my place and discussed in detail with my husband.
    My husband has agreed for counseling. I also mentioned that till the time we are in counseling I would prefer to stay with my sister. If counseling and anger management sessions helps us in getting over our shortcomings and if we see some improvements and if this distance makes us realize the importance of each other in each of our lives then we should re-unite else I am not willing to take any more beatings.
    I would prefer to live alone respectfully than to see myself be beaten by my husband from 10 years from now.
    I hope you guys agree with my decision.

    Regards,
    Charu

  6. #6
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    HI Charu,

    Sorry to learn about you. I really felt bad that your husband beats you.... AS Ruby asked you, if possible can you share the reasons of arguements? this will enable us to give you right guidance on how to control ur hubby's temper, The solution may lie in these arguements only..

    A will never support a guy who is beating his wife.... Bloody hell... if he is angry you are not at fault.... even if you speak harsh,,,,, beating is not not acceptable at alll.....

    Take him for counselling. if possible, give him the assurance that you will not speak harsh words at all... But sometimes, if it comes out of your mouth, request him to bear for that moment as you really dont mean them..... tell him you love him, care and respect for him as he does for you. you speak ill only ut of anger. But next time, you will behave properly even in anger. But, tell him that his beatings are not tolarable... you cant take bleedings and swollen nose.....Actually, its varies person to person ... some words may be normal for one person but very harsh for other....so dont speak those words that hurts him.........your husband seems emotionally weak and immature... thats why he is reacting........when he argues, speak less. This will reduce the fight... LAter, explain him to be quiet when you are angry ....

    Finally, if he cant stop beating you, you should stay separate for sure. your decision is absolutely right. Coz, ii you dont put a stop on the batings today this will become a course of life later. He will take you for granted.

    More than love, self respect is important. IF you loose respect, you will anyway loose all the love that you have for him...

    God bless you. All the best.
    Raj

  7. #7

    Hello

    Hi Raj & Ruby,

    Reasons for fights or arguments are many..for small petty things which I try to avoid to big issues which need to be addressed.
    Like, he likes colgate and I used pepsodent before marriage. From the past 3 years, we have been using colgate. Just that I saw this new pepsodent so I asked him in the mall that can we go for it this time. The answer was NO and no further discussions on this. I know this is trivial so I left it there itself.

    Another incident, We have been married for over 3 years now. After 2 years of our marriage, I wanted to extend our family so off and on when he was in a good mood I tried to raise the topic but he thought that everything will get done naturally. We never used any protection and I emphasised on the fact that medical help is required. But he never wanted any discussions.
    Only after a year, when his younger brother became a father, he realised that we should see a doctor.
    Doctor as usual asked for a bunch of my tests like blood test etc. After the tests, both of us were busy with our office and the Lab was very close to my office. So, my husband asked me to collect the reports. He asked me once and I forgot that day. He asked me a second time and I was busy with yet another thing and could not collect. When I came home, he asked if I could collect the reports on which I mentioned that I forgot. He got agitated to an extent which I never had imagined and said that I cannot realise the importance of this. I felt sorry and got the reports the very next day. My reports showed evrything normal. Now it was his turn so I asked him when he would be available for the tests so he said he is very busy for this month. This moved to next month, I again reminded him, he said he will get it done and requires no further reminders from me. After 3 months, I tried to convince him that it it not his problem but ours and medical help is needed. He agreed and after another month or so we went to get the tests done.

    The point here is that if I would have acted the same way in which he did when I did not get the reports, this issue would have been there itself. And forget this, I CANNOT act the way he did.

    If I dislike anything that he does or does not then I know I can only discuss it out and there is no certainity that it will get done. I can only try.
    Why does he not realise that? He knows that if I do anything which he dislikes then he has the right to torture me physically.

    I simply cannot take it anymore.

    I know these instances are my side of the story and he might have instances in which I hurt him verbally so we have sorted out for counseling.

    I am equally qualified and we are earning exactly the same figures. Contributing exactly the same amount for households expenses and EMIs. For contribution, I am a 32 year old and for decision making, I am a 3 year old who does not know anything.
    Till the time, I try to sort out things, everything is fine. But when I get angry, things go from bad to WORST.

    Raj,

    I cannot explain him anything. Becuase he never tries to listen my side of the story. If anything can be done through conseling then I will try till the last minute but till the time I feel safe, I won't go back to him now.

    Thanks and Sorry for a Late reply.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Hey Charu,

    I was thinking about your problem for the past three days. Sorry for not getting in touch with you!

    That was the great thing that, your hubby agreed to come for counseling. What you have decided is good - staying away from him during the counseling period. This will make him realize the importance of you, and he may come to know how much he tortured and treated you as a slave.

    If he is fine after those counseling sessions, live with him. As you said, you are equally sharing all the responsibilities; he will surely get cured from this counseling.

    Let us hope for the best!!!

  9. #9

    Thumbs up Thank you

    [QUOTE=geethika;258804]Hey Charu,

    I was thinking about your problem for the past three days. Sorry for not getting in touch with you!

    That was the great thing that, your hubby agreed to come for counseling. What you have decided is good - staying away from him during the counseling period. This will make him realize the importance of you, and he may come to know how much he tortured and treated you as a slave.

    If he is fine after those counseling sessions, live with him. As you said, you are equally sharing all the responsibilities; he will surely get cured from this counseling.

    Let us hope for the best!!![/QUOTE]

    Hi Geethika,

    Thank you for your wishes. I also hope the same. I love him and would try my level best to improve and I hope he also shares the same thoughts.

    Thanks to all of you for all the responses. I shall keep you posted if the counseling helps us out.

    Best Regards,
    Charu

  10. #10
    New Member
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    AHMEDABAD
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    [QUOTE=CharuSharma;258519]Hi,

    I have been married for over 3 years now. I have had constant arguments with my husband in my relationship.

    One week passes as if I am on a bed of roses and the next week we fight on something. I know every couple argues but my husband can't stand an argument and he starts hitting me.
    I love him from the core of my heart and he is also all protective about me but his terms should be met.

    When he is angry, I should be quite. When I am angry, I should maintain my tone. If I don't then I am taught the same with a nice beating session.
    It is not that he enjoys it. He is all sweaty when he gets angry and later regrets his actions. But he always says that everything is in my hands. I can handle the situation and avoid the fights. I have to understand that if he is angry I have to remain silent and if I am angry I should simply go out or do something but never say or use harsh words aganist him else he will teach me a lesson.
    We both have tried to nuture our relationship. I have invested every single penny of my earnings towards buying a new house for ourseleves and as part of daily household expenses and same with him.
    Till the time, I remain quite, things are wonderful. When I get angry, he gets twice as angry and things turn to dust.
    All my efforts, all the love just goes away. When he is angry, all he can see is that I am a culprit and I must be taught a lesson. He says I speak really ill when I am angry and if he does not teach me a lesson, I will be left alone. No one would like to be with me.
    But I am really fed up with all the beatings. I am scared to smile. Because, I have to cry the very next moment.
    One fight even ended up in a bleeding nose and swollen eye.
    Am I the one to blame? I have asked for help from all his family members but all say that I should not do anything that makes him angry. Please guide me. This is affecting my health, my job everything..
    I never thought of a day without him but I fear if one fight would be the last day of my life.
    Please help me.[/QUOTE]

    HI charu ,
    i think u find onther person for love ,u like lovebel partner understand our feeling. and our husband close talking any one subject

  11. #11
    Senior Member
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    Location
    Sheffield
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    Hi Charu

    Thanks a lot for coming back with the answers. I am sorry this post is going to be lengthy but please read it carefully and if you need any help in understanding anything in it please let me know.

    So, the arguments start over petty things , develop into bigger arguments which then lead to physical violence by your husband.

    Charu, It is blatantly obvious that you are in an abusive relationship. And I will explain to you why I think so:

    ABUSE: The abuse mainly takes place to show you "who is the boss."
    GUILT: Affter abusing you, your husband feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s worried about the possibility of facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
    EXCUSES: Your husband rationalises what he has done by making excuses or blaming you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
    ACTING NORMAL: after he has beaten you he does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you false hope that he has really changed this time.

    When this sort of behaviour is happening regularly, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. You may also blame yourself for what is happening. But no matter what others might say, you are not responsible for your husband's abusive actions. It is always his choice to be abusive.


    1: If you’re hoping your abusive husband will change:

    Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. Any change in behaviour can only happen once your husband takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work or his temper.


    2: If you believe you can help your husband:

    It’s only natural that you want to help your husband. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling his abusive behavior. Instead of helping him, you’re perpetuating the problem.


    3: If your husband has promised to stop the abuse:

    When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. But their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. They quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

    Even if your husband goes for counselling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counselling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. You need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become, because that might never happen.

    I am glad that you shared your problem with your sis and BIL. You need all the support at this time to think rationally about your life and what step to take. Please use the information above to make an informed choice. You can share this post with your sis & BIL to discuss your next action. It's a very good idea to stay with them as long as you need to. Please don't be pressured by your husband to return until you are 100% sure of your next step.

    Remember that you are important to all who love you and care for you. Your life should not be ruined by disgusting actions of your husband. You can control and have a say in what happens to your life.

    Look after yourself.

    Ruby.
    Last edited by RubyRuby; 08-08-2012 at 06:10 AM.

  12. #12
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    HI Charu,

    I completely agree with wat Ruby said. I won't write another long mail killing your time. She has done it all.

    I would add that your fighting issues may be small but the way you guys are not abke to handle them is not normal. This is mainly coz of your husband's nun understanding nature, maybe his ego. He needs to understand you, respect your views and stop abusing you.

    Talk him with a smile, behave normlly. But if he does not change, that means he is taking you for granted. IN the case, no need to show him your love temporarily. HE should miss you and feel your importance in his life. Only then , he will change. If he changes then fine, otherwise you need to think the next course of action.

    For now, stay away for a while, go for counseling, focus on it. see the results and write here........ Be hopeful that he will change. One thing, dont take babies for atleast 6 months to 1 year. Let him change first.

    All the best.

  13. #13
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    Hi Charu,

    When we face problems in the relationship, we should be more positive to think that everything will end smoothly. Trust is life, that too when it comes to the most unified bond Marriage. Be positive and do not lose your hope. Surely, you will get a favorable result from this counseling.

    Also ask your counselor to advise your husband in indulging in yoga and meditation. This is one of the curable diseases. And all the prayers and wishes of the forum visitors are with you!!!

  14. #14

    Thumbs up Thanks

    Thanks a lot for all the responses.

    I shall keep you posted about any progress.

    Thanks again.
    Charu

  15. #15
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    Hi Charu,
    Just sending you positive vibes to help you sort your troubled situation. You have suffered so much and my sympathies are with you.

    Think with a clear, cool mind how you want your life to be and make a decision based on that. Nobody in this day and age should tolerate abuse from another person. Become a stronger person by standing for your prestige, rights and dignity.

    All the best to you.

  16. #16
    Senior Member
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    Hi Dear,

    You have been facing problems with your husband and he has no concern on you at all. I would like to tell whenever your husband gets angry, he himself should know why is he getting angry and get rid of it. He should know the weakness that is a cause for his anger towards you. He should accept his mistake and apologize. Since he is not willing to talk to you in a soft tone, you can make him to speak to his friends who are his well wishers. Ask him to meditate and know when, where and why is he getting angry on you.

    I hope this works and you be happy with him.

  17. #17

    Red face Hello

    Hi All,
    Its been nearly 2months when I moved out of that house. While we were doing our counselling, I was offered an onsite oppurtunity from my office for 1 month to Seattle, which I took. So, altogether we had just 3 counselling sessions.
    Anyways, while I am away from my husband, we chatted couple of times in which my husband said he misses me a lot and that there is no life without me. He says that he won't beat me again and will walk out when he is angry. He still puts all the blame for any fight on me and says that I could have avoided them.
    He won't beat me : But Ruby, this he said after every fight. After every fight, he came to me to apply medicine on my wounds and said that it was the last time but then again after not more than 2-3 days, he bet me again.
    While chatting, I told him that I won't come back in that house since I don't feel safe. And truely speaking, I have that fear. Here is Seattle, my work has improved and I smile a lot more. When I look back and recall the horrifying incidents and I am thankful to God that I am still not physically disabled in some sort because slaps were for small issues. There were instances when he even tried to strangle me and drag me from the kitchen to the drawing room. Reason, dishes were not dry as they should be.
    He cannot even give me the joy of becoming a mother. This also did not matter if he would have loved me and respected me. But he treated me as a piece of shit and I kept thinking that things will improve one day. One day he will respect me.

    I know my quote shows that I am a stronger person now but I have my instances of weakness. Still at times, I miss him deeply and burst out crying but I have to hold myself now. I don't want to suffer anymore.

    Thanks,
    Charu

  18. #18
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    You're lucky to be alive...

    and smiling again. Just imagine if one of those "strangling" sessions had led to permanent damage or even your death.

  19. #19
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    Hi Charu.

    Sorry I couldn't reply to your post earlier. I am glad to hear that you are feeling a lot better within yourself. It's great that you have this opportunity of being in a neutral place where you can calmly evaluate your life without any pressure from anyone. Away from all the abuse from your husband and its negative fallouts, you are realising your own worth, your strengths, taking pride in your work and realising that life doesn't have to be miserable. Or suffer unnecessarily through no fault of yours.

    What you say about your husband's behaviour is typical of an abuser's behaviour towards his/her victim. Read my earlier post no 11 . It is very difficult for a person to change his behaviour if it means losing control over his victim. In the three years of your marriage how many times has he said sorry to you about his behaviour and promised not to repeat it, yet gone back to his violent and abusive behaviour over and over again? It is very unlikely that he will ever change.

    Charu, you are a strong lady, you have made some decisions which require courage and faith in yourself. Don't worry about the moments of weakness. It's natural to feel sad about the loss of a relationship even though it was not a healthy one. You might feel overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions and doubts but try to be calm and take your time in planning your next step in life. Don't be pressurised by anyone to take decisions if you are not ready.

    Remember that you don't have to stay in a relationship if it is stifling you and there is no realistic chance of your husband changing his attitude and behaviour. Be brave, determined and positive in changing your life for the better.

    Best wishes.
    Ruby

  20. #20
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    HI Charu,

    What Ruby said is right. I only feel bad that a home broke just coz of your husband's uncontrolled behaviour. He seems to be too finicky about small things in life. I was in the same position few months back what you are into i.e. not able to decide what to do. You dont want to be in a relation as you suffered but at the same time you miss the person and feel bad as well.

    Be strong,,, involve your emotions a bit and involve your mind more than you heart to take a decision. IF you think you need ot give your hubby time, give it. See what happens after 6 months or an year. TIll then, stay away from him and tell him your plans also. Actually, as Ruby said, a guy who cant control himself has less chances of improving (though its possible still).

    As of now, tay in the US, focus on work, make ur heart stronger when u miss him..... let him miss u ... wrtie about the developments to us.

    All the best



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