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Thread: Advice needed on my troubled marriage

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Advice needed on my troubled marriage

    Never thought that I would 'anonymously' seek advice on my arranged marriage!!

    Been married for a year now. 2nd day of my honeymoon, realized that my 'out-going-post-graduate' wife had an affair with someone from college. she still had 'those' text messages on her phone. Confronted her and her family, she started crying and felt bad. Claimed that an affair never happened and said that those text messages were sent by her brother who always wants to trouble. Her brother is a nut-case who did not even attend her marriage. She created a lot of drama and with her emotions made me feel bad that I was doubting her un-necessarily.

    Not totally convinced, next day, I checked her inbox and found photos and some emails which were not supporting her argument. She yet again cried and claimed it was just a casual 'hug' and 'photos' taken during her 'fun' college life!! At this time I knew something was wrong but not sure how bad it was. I could not inform my parents about this as I was worried on how they would take this... A BIG mistake on my part since we both flew off to US after 2 days.

    Once reaching there, I had to contact her so-called 'EX' who told me 'ALL' the story. She yelled at him for lying about their relationship and he got pissed.... he sent me most of their 'personal' images and a video, where they were kissing!! Now she did not have anything to say...

    This time when confronted, she played the sympathy card. My 'overly-smart' wife's father left them to become god's devotee. They are a troubled family with no good relationships and I knew this after marriage. Since she grew up on her on feet, when she felt low in life, this guy came to her rescue and she started feeling lively again. And so slowly their relationship turned into love and got physical. Fair Enough. Love happens.. But why leave that guy all of a sudden for me? Because I am a well educated, well settled guy and she did not want to put her family to shame!

    I could not leave my good job in the US, her EX is in India and my wife is certainly a talented person and did take care of me, so I wanted to continue in this marriage since we marry to live together in good and bad times, not to get separated. The main issue with her is that she lies a LOT.. I mean really a LOT. Maybe a lie for every alternate breath she takes. She lies to escape out of the situation, its like a disease for her.

    After all that has happened I lost trust on her, but trying to regain the trust. We just moved back to India. Till date, she has many times lied but there were not a big deal so I did not worry about it., although I had them in my mind. Even my physical relationship is not too great with her since, i dont 'love' her.. I just like her and secondly, she is not an attractive woman on the inside, does not excite me. But physical relationship is secondary.

    Considering all the things, I feel I deserve a lot better than what I got... but on the good side, she is caring, smart, intelligent(which, sometimes, uses for the wrong things) and somewhat matches my likings. But no TRUST. Not much physical intimacy, constant worry that she might be lying about things... makes me wonder do I deserve this life?

    We both had discussed all these issues and multiple times contemplated a divorce. I came to this forum when I googled about 'Divorce by mutual consent'. If you have read this post completely and have some serious advice, please let me know if I should divorce and move on or stick together and hope that things will get better!!



  2. #2
    I am in Dilemma!

    I could neither suggest divorce nor tell to trust her anymore….

    At present I feel like saying, give her 6months time and advice her politely telling not to lie anymore & act according to your family status, if she tends to neglect your words, kindly apply for divorce and search for right match…..

    ALL THE BEST!

  3. #3
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    [QUOTE=Shakti Salgaokar;280662]I am in Dilemma!

    I could neither suggest divorce nor tell to trust her anymore….

    At present I feel like saying, give her 6months time and advice her politely telling not to lie anymore & act according to your family status, if she tends to neglect your words, kindly apply for divorce and search for right match…..

    ALL THE BEST![/QUOTE]

    Thanks for your advice Shakti.

    We did talk multiple times and told her that lies will not work in a marriage and she knows it very well, but the sense of trust is not sinking in... I sure can give 6 months time, but at this point, I plan on starting a family; I have already given a year's time and not able to take that final decision.

    I also have the concern that maybe 6 more months, is not going to factor and she is not going to get any younger. As a man, it is relatively easy for me to move-on but as a 27 year old woman, it aint easy.

    I do want to hear from a female as they can relate more...

  4. #4
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    I am sorry i am out of words, just dont know what to advice you. You guys need to seat with each other and have have serious discussion with each other. divorce is not good option to choose, talk to her once again try to advice her to the best and ask her to move on with the present life. Each an everyone goes though something in their life, give her some time to over come from her past she will come out it as you love and care about her. Show her how much she means to you.

  5. #5
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    well

    check this thread ... " wife had an affair before marriage ".... You will find solutions for your problem.. As we all are facing the same problem and we shared multiple ideas for resolving the same ...

  6. #6
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    Thumbs up Purpose of life is to be happy.

    Women slept her boyfriend, does that make her a bad person? No. What her bf promised her to marry and did not marry? She is screwed? She was in love and tried to make her bf happy and possibly fall in love with her. Her previous bf as a man and not a gentleman. So he walked away from her. I do not know exactly what happened between both of them that they walked away and not get married, so I cannot blame just one person.
    Virginity is a old and middle eastern concept, it does not make any difference in vagina or person(telling from experience). Now if you leave her and marry someone else, what is the guarantee that you meet the next person who is virgin? India is a very traditional society, if she openly tells about her ex and relationship i am sure nobody will marry her.
    What is lacking between you guys is lack of trust and infidelity. You feel cheated that she had sex before you and feel that you got a used person? Look at her heart, her personality. Try to put yourself in her shoes, its not easy to be a female. I absolutely understand if you not physically attracted to her anymore bcos she has become fat or whatever, may be she should join gym or something. If she had cheated while you guys were married i can understand, but is absolutely wrong to judge a person by her past. In the end do what makes you happy. Goodluck!

  7. #7
    Hi random_guy, Can you please tell us what have you decided or reply us something. only then we can help you, please come back.

  8. #8
    Marital life is not as easy as you think; you have to face difficulties in it. You say that your wife is not trustworthy, then go and talk to her about her earlier relationship and get solutions then and there itself. Now after getting married there is no use in harming her, you guys have to make a wise decision and take up the things in a positive way; only that helps you. My sincere advice for you is lead a happy life with her and things will get better.

  9. #9
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    [QUOTE=prakash1234;280915]Women slept her boyfriend, does that make her a bad person? No. What her bf promised her to marry and did not marry? She is screwed? She was in love and tried to make her bf happy and possibly fall in love with her. Her previous bf as a man and not a gentleman. So he walked away from her. I do not know exactly what happened between both of them that they walked away and not get married, so I cannot blame just one person.
    [/QUOTE]

    The issue is she walked over her ex after she met me and no it was not 'love-at-first-sight' or anything like that for us since this was an arranged marriage. He wanted to marry, but she did not want to. She wanted to have 'fun'. Even after our engagement, she met him many times and god knows what happened. I realized this only after my marriage. In this case, it is fully her fault. Her ex was indeed a gentleman for not trying to do bad things to her when she ditched him completely.

    It is not my wife is not (or may not be) a virgin... it is her intentions and her character that is troubling me. Frankly speaking I still do not know what to do.... Doing bad things knowingly makes a huge difference. Had she been up front about it, I would not have married and neither would I have informed to her parents. She had plenty of time (6 moths) to talk about it but she chose to play both of us, ultimately spoiling my (and my family's) life. She is living fine now since I am a better person.

  10. #10
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    Hey.....

    I would like to put forth a question to you........

    Do you believe your wife? If so! Why do you trust the third person, they will do all nonsense things to make your life miserable. Instead of doubting her, talk to her directly about the current situation; be positive in your approach. Talk to her politely then there is chance of her telling the truth. Try this, it will surely help.

    Hope you understood!!



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