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Thread: our life is ruined after marriage

  1. #1
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    Unhappy our life is ruined after marriage

    Hi,
    I am Vicky from bangalore. To give more information, I got married three months back.

    I am an Engineer and my wife is doctor. We are going through tough times as not much understanding between families. She is good lady but lazy as she wants to spend peaceful and lavish life, which I am not able to provide.
    I never asked her dowry nor asked her to work..she loves me, but sometimes feels that I dont understand her..

    Our marriage was tamasha at wedding ceremony and we both felt bad as my parents and her parents had some issues in the marriage hall. We thought it will be solved at earliest and we will be leading very happy life.

    But, we never thought it was the beginning..
    1) We had big fight regarding the wedding issue and almost got separated. but somehow due to others intervention, it got solved.
    2) If I say something, she feels offended or vice-versa.. Its also one of the issue causing more pain.
    3) My parents are bit rough..and they treat her same as me..but she feels offended as she is very sensitive girl. My parents felt that I am going through tough times and fought with her, asked her to leave house..she has left me now and the signs indicates that she will never return back to home. She asked me to get separated from my parents and get a new house for rent..somehow I convinced her to stay with me in the below portion of my house ..but my parents spoke to her father yesterday after which she is very angry on me and not talking to me at all..thinking that I have taken her as granted and pressurizing her... I almost took decision of separating from her, thinking that she will be happy but thats also not happening.. my father-in-law told me to be brave enough and asked me not to worry.

    I fought with my parents also but it caused more issue and my dad is not speaking to me..he thinks I am treating him badly as i am the daily-bread earner so commanding them... I have spoken to both stating that either one of them have to get adjusted else it will ruin everyone's life.. my mother-in-law sensitively said to me that i may get into trouble with dowry harassment case..

    Now I can't leave without her nor leave my parents (as they are bed-ridden and also they helped to be what I am today and also no one is there to look after)..
    not sure what to do...if anyone has any suggestions, please help me



  2. #2
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    Dear Vicky,
    I have gone through your post twice before replying. I will try to suggest some of the things which i feel better.
    (1). Your wife has self respect that is why she is fighting with you. She and her parent also deserve respect.
    As per your post i understand that your parents are trying to control your wife as well as you. I think your parents are responsible for this misery. Your parents think that they can ask your wife to go out home. where were you ? It is your duty to get her due respect/love from your parents. Not only respect but much deserved welcome in your house. She is right to leave your house when asked.
    My suggestion that talk sternly your parent that once you have married the girl being husband you would protect her and her dignity. If not leave your parents for some time. They would realize the mistake they have done.

    (2). Talk to your wife and try to discuss your limitation. Being educated surely she would try to understand your point of view.
    (3). As you have written that both the families do not get along. So i suggest both of you should be away from each other's family for some time so that bad thing are forgotten. Right now your first priroirty is to build trust with your wife.
    It need strong action, meet your wife outside, spend time then discuss your eagerness to resolve the matter.

    Hope thing would be better. please remenber breaking relationship is bad. you need to invest time in making married life better as well as take strong action.

    I can not say this would be best advise but some time outside party can give fair suggestion.
    Hope both of you lead happy life.

    Thanks.


    [QUOTE=ripmeapart;284481]Hi,
    I am Vicky from bangalore. To give more information, I got married three months back.

    I am an Engineer and my wife is doctor. We are going through tough times as not much understanding between families. She is good lady but lazy as she wants to spend peaceful and lavish life, which I am not able to provide.
    I never asked her dowry nor asked her to work..she loves me, but sometimes feels that I dont understand her..

    Our marriage was tamasha at wedding ceremony and we both felt bad as my parents and her parents had some issues in the marriage hall. We thought it will be solved at earliest and we will be leading very happy life.

    But, we never thought it was the beginning..
    1) We had big fight regarding the wedding issue and almost got separated. but somehow due to others intervention, it got solved.
    2) If I say something, she feels offended or vice-versa.. Its also one of the issue causing more pain.
    3) My parents are bit rough..and they treat her same as me..but she feels offended as she is very sensitive girl. My parents felt that I am going through tough times and fought with her, asked her to leave house..she has left me now and the signs indicates that she will never return back to home. She asked me to get separated from my parents and get a new house for rent..somehow I convinced her to stay with me in the below portion of my house ..but my parents spoke to her father yesterday after which she is very angry on me and not talking to me at all..thinking that I have taken her as granted and pressurizing her... I almost took decision of separating from her, thinking that she will be happy but thats also not happening.. my father-in-law told me to be brave enough and asked me not to worry.

    I fought with my parents also but it caused more issue and my dad is not speaking to me..he thinks I am treating him badly as i am the daily-bread earner so commanding them... I have spoken to both stating that either one of them have to get adjusted else it will ruin everyone's life.. my mother-in-law sensitively said to me that i may get into trouble with dowry harassment case..

    Now I can't leave without her nor leave my parents (as they are bed-ridden and also they helped to be what I am today and also no one is there to look after)..
    not sure what to do...if anyone has any suggestions, please help me[/QUOTE]

  3. #3
    Hey...........

    I know how hard your situation is, really tricky............

    You are not able to choose between your wife and parents. You told that you got married and your wife left you, i think the fault is not in both of them. Neither one should adjust and go, or else it is very hard. Either Your wife should adjust or you parents; both are important for you, so try making an effort to lead a happy life with your wife and parents. Talk to your wife about the present situation and make her understand your problem. If she truly loves you she will make an effort to come with you. If she comes then automatically the problems will get solved.

    Hope you understood!!!

  4. #4
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    Time adjust every thing

    Dear Vicky,

    I was going through the same phase 5-6 months back, but now everything is resolved, you need to understand your wife also as she has left her home for you only, even if your parents are not supporting your wife but you should support her as your wife has married you not your parents for some time you forget about ur and her family just concentrate to build good relationship with your wife...Soon everything will be ok , but always remember your first priority should be your wife now ....After some time when she finds love from your end then she will definitely respect your parents too... keep separate from your wife for 1-2 months In the mean while she will also understand your value but do not take any wrong decision like divorce as it is only few months of your marriage...

    Good Luck

  5. #5
    Hi vicky,

    Before giving my suggestions i would like to know about about you, I hope you dont mind. Can you tell me if you and wife are living together away from your family? can you Please reply back to me so that i can understand more about you and we can talk together and find a solution foe this.

  6. #6
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    hi

    Hi

    Yes we were living together with family only.. I am from Bangalore and worked hard in life to reach, what I am today
    This incident all began in the wedding hall due to one of my relative and her relative. Both have different customs and were following both but at one moment, my wife's elder sister shouted that she will not follow ours and my parents did the same.. which spoiled my married life completely.

    They also asked gold ring for her younger brother and small amount for her sister as part of their custom, which I agreed. as they had followed the same in my wife's elder sister marriage.
    My mother-in-law said bad about my family to one of my relative which caused more issue. My MIL and parents are disrespecting each other and spoiling our life, my MIL threatens me of dowry harassment.

    Everyone is on there own now, except me.. My wife is preparing for her exams, my parents are not talking to me much..and my in-laws not worried much as of now, as they want me to come out and stay separately.. its tricky situation for me, I have told my situation but still everyone are adamant.

    I have requested my wife not to worry about the past and to lead happy life, but when she is unhappy, she digs into past and pick a fight with me. I know its tough situation for her but she should think about me as well, right? I have lost my happiness for the sake of other my whole life... I feel like leaving all of them and go away, I never thought of hurting anyone till today but why this is happening to me..

    [QUOTE=Sachet Desai;284925]Hi vicky,

    Before giving my suggestions i would like to know about about you, I hope you dont mind. Can you tell me if you and wife are living together away from your family? can you Please reply back to me so that i can understand more about you and we can talk together and find a solution foe this.[/QUOTE]

  7. #7
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    Hey! You both are in a good position, where you are an engineer and your wife is a doctor.............thatís really good!!

    The only thing which i canít understand is, you both are well educated and qualified as well, then why you make even the simple things a big issue. If any problem arises make sure you solve the problem then and there itself, instead of making it a big issue. The best thing which you can do is, go and talk to your wife and get her back to home. If you call her she will definitely come. So try bringing her as soon as possible, that is good both for you and your wife. Hope you understood......

    Be wise in making decisions....

  8. #8
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    separate or leave everyone...

    what to say now...

    I am confused and tired... now my wife is refusing to come to my parent's place, even after asking apology..
    she is so stubborn, she doesn't want to come and even I will not go to her parent's place, thats the decision I have taken.

    I agree she deserves her self respect but without losing my self-respect or anyone. I am thinking to check out the last option..legally..she is harassing me mentally....

    My friends say not to leave my parents..my relatives to go and stay separately... who will look after my parents..and due to this, I am not able to concentrate on my work..

    Will anyone be able to understand me??? CAN anyone get me out of this S***?

  9. #9
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    Hey

    In my opinion please keep your family out of your relationship. Since both the families are not very good with each other dont get close to either side.. coz you'll not like what her folks say and she yours. Its best you humbly go and say sorry and get her back.
    And also soon have two kids. this family issue will all be solved.
    Dont cry over spilled milk. You cant lick it off the floor.!
    wish you all success.

    Remember:
    1. go say sorry and bring her back (not important who was wrong)
    2. stay far for families and close to each other.(now only she is your family)
    3. have kids.

  10. #10
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    Unhappy

    sir/madam,

    i have tried my best to save my marriage..but she is thinking about past and shouts on me.. I have done many mistakes like shouting on her not defending her and asked for her forgiveness but she is talking as though she wants to get separated....

    Even after i ask sorry she asks me whats the guarantee that i will keep her happy and how will she trust me.. whenever she asks this i get angry ... i have asked sorry and told that i will definitely will build the trust to win her heart and wil wait for the day to hear from her that she trusts me..

    She asks me wht good things i have done or got something to her..
    I m from middle class family and to get mangal sutra i struggled..so she points me about it everytime..and asks me why did i get marry to her. i had told her about my financial situation before marriage itself. She thinks i can't take care of her due to financially, nor she doesn't want to trust me anymore..
    she laid condition that her parents has to come and approve the rented house then only she is going to come..for this also i agreed..but she scoulds me...for me shouting is easy, but when i should it would be very rude and worst than poison..so taming myself..

    my parents(even though unsecured) have agreed and asked me to stay separately..but she is not ready to come ...
    I have asked her sorry n number of times but she still feels that i wont look after her..she just calls me when i m at work and when i tell her about it she says i dont care about her and trying to avoid her..
    i have been searching house on weekends from morning to evening due to budget constraints..she says that i m avoiding call and doing intentionally...at last i begged her to come but now she is saying that u r worst guy...how can i trust u or how will u look after me..wht things u r going to get from ur parents house for leading life...

    Is this worth of living with her like this or take some harsh steps or move on..any suggestion????

  11. #11
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    just divorce her .. and marry non-money minded or poor girl.. ur mistake was to marry doctor

    its a life changing mistake ..dont repeat

  12. #12
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    Dear ripmeaprt
    I think you should make her read these post so that she would know that how serious you are to work out and taking advises. Now your wife is need to think for future and must give you chance.
    Reading these may help.
    Think about and just give a try.

    Wish you happy married life.

  13. #13
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    Exclamation thank you all

    Hi all,

    Thanks for all the suggestion.
    I was in the verge of breakup on last friday..My Mother-in-law threatened me on the phone and asked my wife to file a dowry harrasment case. Later on my wife's sister called & spoke to me, I informed her about the incident. Also, I told her that I am trying my best to save our marriage..She spoke calmly and asked to meet my wife, I met her early morning.. I told her that i m ready to forget everything and start newly..for which she agreed..but she said that i shouldn't provoke her nor do anything..for which i agreed..as I have decided to give sometime to her to change herself..and trust me..she told me that her parents & family will do everything and will decide everything..so i lost all the respect on them

    I am separating from my parents and going to stay with her for few years/days...Hoping for the best..
    Only thing I have decided that I will not speak or respect my mother-in-law for any reason..whatever it happens.

    My only suggestion to other men/women, "never hurt ur spouse as they are the one who love you lot more than ur parents or anyone.. also once they start hating u from bottom heart then its of no worth and it will take years to heal. Especially girls, please think of ur husband rather than about ur parents & family..Rarely, ur husband will let u down and will do anything for u only if u start believing and trusting them.."

    Also, to elder people, never let ur son's down..he is the one caught between u & his wife..
    Only regret I have is my parents have to leave without me and struggle during their last days..

    Please share this as an example if any person is going through tough times in their marriage life..
    All the best and my wishes to everyone..

    Thanks again..



    [QUOTE=solar20;287895]Dear ripmeaprt
    I think you should make her read these post so that she would know that how serious you are to work out and taking advises. Now your wife is need to think for future and must give you chance.
    Reading these may help.
    Think about and just give a try.

    Wish you happy married life.[/QUOTE]

  14. #14
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    marry girl who loves u ..not her money

    jobgirls create ego problems.

  15. #15
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    invisible why u are so negative in every post revert...Dear ripmeapart Do not think about breakup as every relation needs some time as it is a very short period of your marriage so make some adjustment from your end and also.soon she will realize your importance also as time teaches everyone.

  16. #16
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    ???

    Hello Reema madam,

    I never thought of breaking up..but if a person is too adamant, then it will make u to think like that.

    I would like u to know that i thought of giving up my life one day because of her..and later on realized that it was foolish decision and became a bad person in front of family, relatives and friends, .all have scolded me but still i insisted to give her a chance..

    One day, i was sloshed so much, everyone came to know about my foolish decision and i m in the place of culprit rather a victim...do u know a person who is earning 60k per month and having own beautiful house want to kill himself..its the pain which made me to think..

    my mom is not well after this things happened..my dad is going to some cheap work thinking that i wont lend money after somedays.. doesn't it hurt their son after seeing his parents in this position, who worked day and night for the sake of their son.

    Her parents and family are doing good and happy as i have started giving my full attention to her as not my parents staying with me, (which is fine, but not at the cost of others pain) ..they are happily giving fridge, household utensils, bed to her daughter which i refused saying those as dowry..and would never want it.

    I have struggled in my life for 1 rupee and know the value of it.. i know the value of love, life, pain, happiness, moral values, relationship and gain..but never being tortured anyone or got tortured in this way..so got frustrated because of her.

    I agree i need to mend up myself, but if a girl wants everything on the first day itself even after knowing her husband is going through financial trouble for few months..doesn't it look bad.

    Even now i m not thinking much, as i believe she will mend herself and if at all my life goes for a toss, then i will be the destroyer rather getting destroyed. If her family try to destroy me or my family then i will become a monster after which no one can control me..

    I believe and hoping if god is seeing this, he will definitely help me with one or the other way and get me out of this trouble and give me good times

    Thanks,
    ripmeapart

  17. #17
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    Thumbs up

    be dabang .. teach her a lesson .. teach her gold is bad and money is bad ..teach her mrg is not money relation ..its not commercial like her parents made it look

    they have money ..so showing ego to u.. treating u like beggar ..this is how 99% of indian marriages running nowadays .. all girls being spoilt by their egoistic parents .. dowry has become big showoff tool for girls parents

    my friend got divorce on same thing .. his wife dint want to cook and hired a male cook.. he slapped and sent her out of house to her parents.. now he living happily single.

    nowadays all girls want double husbands .. one in home ..one in office owner .. both must give them money. Thats how they want to enjoy life.

  18. #18
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    Every one in the family should make adjustment for prosperous life

    Dear Ripmart,

    I know you are in trouble right now as i have also faced this period although i am also working and getting good salary but i preferred to stay with my in laws although my husband told me to stay separate from his parents by taking rental home but i refused to stay alone with my hubby as i knew that my husband is mama's boy and situation will be more worse once i and my hubby lives separate because he would have this feeling that i kept him separate from his parents so i decided to live with his parents but now i have made some boundaries that we both will take our decisions by our own and i will also give respect to his parents and vice versa but his parents will not interfere in our matters, my hubby has also changed now he takes my side also and has changed his behavior also because i did not kept him separate from his parents as i have seen many couples facing more trouble living separate from in laws ..Your wife should not have put this condition of living separate from his parents this has made you so sad because now you are having this feeling that you are compromising for every thing and she is getting what she wanted.

    Does ur father works or he is retired, now wait for sometime meanwhile make your wife realize that you can handle the situation while living with your parents also and tell your parents frankly that they also need not to interfere in your married life , make your wife realize that you love both, her and ur parents but she comes first as now you have to spend your whole life with her , but ur parents also spend there whole life to reach you in the position where you are today so they are also important and it is ur responsibility to take care them, If she loves you then surely She will soon realize. And it is only 3months of your marriage , this is a very short period to know each other so be clever to take decisions, but remember family runs only by all members adjustment , you should not be the one to compromise in everything, just compromise for some time after that everything will be ok . All the best.

  19. #19
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    Unhappy

    Hi reema,

    what "Invisible" said is right to major extent..Divorcing her is the right option and shouldn't marry anyone after being hurt in such a bad way.

    I have separated from my parents and living with her for past one week. I don't have money as of now and she thinks that i should get all the things what she wanted even after knowing that i m going through bad times financially..she asks me what saving i have done and what have i go for her(TV, fridge, maid or other things)..how i will help her for studying her MD course, when i cann't get this things. When i said we will get loan she became angry..is it coz of money & my house, did she married me??? this question is going through my thoughts each and every second...

    She shouts on me for small things which is big one for her....she think she is always right..how can a person be perfectionist when the same person is doing wrong to some extent.. aren't guys human beings...are we heartless??
    Some of her request are genuine, which i can't get as of now due to financial constraints..i m having just 50 rupees in my pocket and waiting to manage till next month salary and get her what she wants..

    She should also think whether i have money or not.. her parents have got some utensils and food items and even i have got few grocery items, which is enough to start new family. She started saying that her parents are helping us and i m depending on her.. is it right to say this things, madam? obviously i get anger when she says u are fit for nothing, u don't have guts..u are not capable of doing anything...doesn't it hurt a guy who believes to work hard and earn to make big..and want to live life happily??

    I got my dad to show the owner of the house, but not informing her before bringing him is it wrong?...while giving rent advance, she had called me i told her busy and giving rent advance to owner and later informed her that i m with dad & busy....but how can she say how can i believe u? ..she says u didn't inform me at all...
    Have you ever said this things to ur hubby and if at all u say how would he react?

    Can you imagine that a person is not able to say his problems to his wife, then think how much trouble times he is going through...I am not able to say to my parents or anyone..

  20. #20
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    dude ..this is all the girls parents egoness came into her

    in olden days girls parents used to throw girl out of their house if she returns leaving husband .. now a days girls parents want to show domination and want to keep girl with them even if she divorce ..

    be brave ..dont lead a puppet life ..

    be salman .. be dabang ..

    tell her i have 1month maximum patience .. if we still fight after 1month .. we will get divorce and tell about her in whole media news channels .. show the truth of indian girls in media .. be bold

    how can a girl seperate boy from his parents .. doesnt she have any humanity????? i will give you solution for joint family ..tell her to bring her parents also to ur home ..tell u will love her parents as urs .. then all can live happy

    you must take lead and show girls are in india .. we will be with you ..god bless you



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