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Thread: Going through difficult times...pls advice

  1. #1
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    Going through difficult times...pls advice

    Hi,

    I am 32 yrs old woman married for 2 years and having a happy family life. This is one side of my life. On the other side I am having tough time dealing with this guy from the time I got married. It goes like this.

    When I was working in one of my previous companies I got attracted to a guy who also showed interest. We had lot of interactions and finally one day discussed about the affair. He wanted to have just an affair and I wanted to have a serious relationship. After many rounds of discussions we continued to be in that friendship for 3 to 4 months. One day I got to know that he had a girl friend in a different city and she is not in touch with him now as they had a big fight. So we should continue as she is not there. I didnt really bother too much about his past as it was past and I was matured enough not to bother about such things. But in the meanwhile he had lot of expectations from me, he changed his behaviour, he used to be rude, he used to abuse me, avoid me etc... But still I couldnt stop loving him (or I dont know if it was love) and I was too emotional to handle him. I used to become weak and contact him. Due to this he also changed to an extent and accepted me. But simultaneously he had his ex-gf come back to him to the same city. She got to know about our friendship and she created lot of problems. She also abused me scolded me etc...But he didnt utter a word instead he supported her at the background. But when I discussed with him, he just used to say I love u but I cannot avoid her as she is very possessive and dangerous.

    He converted me to just a friend and her as his real lover. I still didnt leave him and that was the biggest mistake I did. I continued to be in touch with him (only when he contacted me) I used to feel happy he is still with me inspite of all these problems.

    He used to meet her always and me in just some particular time. But whenever he fought with her, he used to come to me and complain about her. He did the same about me with her I got to know later. Seeing all these for nearly 2.5 yrs, I decided to leave him. I chose not to contact him and I did that too. But he kept on messaging me how much he is missing me as am his only friend etc...This made me contact him again and this continued for some more time. At this point, his gf's parents were looking out for boy for her. They knew about this girl but as this guy was not ready to marry her (nor me) they wanted her to get married to someone else and leave him.

    I forgot to mention, he had told his gf and me also that he will never marry any of us as he cannot hurt his parents and will only marry someone whom his parents choose for him. In spite of this, both girls did the mistake of not leaving him and still continued to be in touch with him.

    One fine day I get to know his gf has ditched him. She wanted to get married to another person and she went away from him. In this tough times he really cried a lot thinking about her. He was missing her a lot and I supported and stood by him as a true friend even though I was getting hurt every single minute seeing he loved her not me.

    After this he changed for some time and used to be very nice to me. While all these were happening, his parents were looking out for a bride for him as they didnt know anything about his relationship(s). During this time, he told me that he spoke to his parents that he wanted to marry me but his parents didnt agree. This is what he told me but I never believed that. God knows what was the truth. He spoke and spoke and convinced me somehow that he will marry another girl but still be in touch with me. As I was very weak mentally and never wanted to lose him, I agreed to that happily that somehow he will be in touch with me. I used to wait for his calls and be happy to talk to him. He even made me search for alliances for him !!

    One fine day he got married to a girl whom he chose and was happy with her until he got married. But after that he had problems with her as she didnt become his puppet and I was a puppet !! (I realized this very late in life). After all the fights, problems, arguments, he decided he will leave her and he wanted to come back to me as he thought nobody can question him now as he had married a girl and she was not good enough for him.

    He took my parents for granted and me also. He thought he will do a favour my marrying me and I was no more interested.

    Somehow after his marriage I started feeling I am wasting my life for him and I got inclined towards getting married but I didnt have the courage to tell him. I was waiting for some miracle to happen and he goes away forver so that I can marry somebody. This did happen like a miracle and he went to a different place but didnt stop contacting me. Meanwhile my parents got an alliance for me which suited us in all ways and I got married. But I was scared to tell this to my friend as he would reach negatively. I avoided tell him this until my wedding day approached. I didnt know how to tell him and was waiting for the right time as he was going thru bad phase in his marriage. I was worried he will get hurt if I also tell him that I am getting married. But one fine day situation came in such a way that I had to tell him.

    But the biggest mistake I did was I told him my parents are getting me married even though I am not so interested. This I told not to cheat him or anyone but I was worried what he will do and stop my marriage if I tell him I am doing this out of my own will and wish. Somehow he controlled himself during my marriage and later started contacting me and forcing me to come back to him. I never want to go back to him whether I was married or not. It has been 2 yrs now and he has still not changed. he is just forcing me everyday to come out of this marriage and live with him. I would prefer to die than living with him. I love my family a lot and I dont want to hurt anyone. I am worried if I tell my friend that I have accepted my marriage completely and I can never come out of this, he may come to my house and spoil my life. If my husband gets to know all these, he will definitely do something which will create problems permanently. I dont know how to deal with it now. This guys is becoming more and more demanding every day. Somehow I am avoiding him but this cannot go for long. He always cries and says I cannot live without you. If you cannot come out in some days I will die. I will commit suicide etc...He has a suicidal mindset.

    Please help me with your suggestions after reading this long story !! I am sorry for this really long post.



  2. #2
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    Hi Lakshmi,


    He doesn't deserve you.If he has really loved you then he wouldn't have leave you ,neither for his Ex-GF nor for his would be wife.But He just used you in all the situations to dump his sorrow...

    As you told you have a happy family so just forget him and live your life..It will be very difficult for you as you have truly loved him.But by mistake also do not trust him again...

    If you leave your family for him ,there is no guarantee that your feelings are safe and he will take care of you.And more then that you will be spoiling you & your husband's life as well as the girl who married him.


    Beautiful life is just waiting for you...God Bless you !!



    Regards.
    Sinchu

  3. #3
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    a mistake

    Lakshmi,

    sorry if i am rude to tell this but mistake is completely on your side. i do not blame your friend. coz from the beginning he is not interested in a commitment he just need a fun / afire. It is you who loved him and you did all these mistakes out of love on him.
    1)you did not avoid him when he said he can just maintain afire with u no marriage.
    2)you did not stop talking to him when u got to know he have another GF
    3)you were with him when he was in sorrow when his ex gf left him. i dont see this as humanity when humanity is harming ourself.
    4)your should have stopped talking to him when ur getting married.
    5) you are still in contact with him even after marriage.

    Do you really think you are true with the word called friendship. i dont think you did all of these out of fear. there are so many out there who are getting married to other folks than one whom they loved coz love did not work out for many reasons.
    you shd hv told ur parents atlease they might hv managed. now ur afraid of ur husband and family.

    coming to your so called friend he is using you he need someone to be dominated. he is manipulative, escapist, opportunist. he want u coz his marriage did not work out and just need a women beside him. after divorce no unmarried will not easily will to go with him so he need you. he need a women not u. if he find another young unmarried he will leave u.

    the only solution i could see is stop talking to that guy right away.if things go out of hand there is no solution other than revealing to ur parents / husband.
    wish you all d best to come out bad circumstances.

  4. #4
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    Thanks Sinchu for your kind words. I feel good that somebody is atleast there for me to share these words now. I have not told about this till now to anyone and am suffering every minute.

    Thanks to Kavya for your analysis and your suggestion too. I agree to Kavya's point that the mistake is on my side. But trust me I had compromised in all the situations before and decided that I will never get married and will remain as his friend even though I loved him. But I am sure you will agree that circumstances change as life passes by and we also change. I started getting inclined towards marriage after he got married because thats when I started really seeing how much my parents are worried about me. Before his marriage it was only him and my work which occupied my complete life even though I was staying with my parents. But then once he got married and also went to a different place, I sensed that was the right time I take some decision and thats when my parents got an alliance for me.

    I am also thinking of revealing this to my parents atleast so that I can get some support. I really hope things will be sorted out soon as I am unable to keep this worry with me anymore.

  5. #5
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    Thumbs up Relationship are like broken piece of glass, its better to leave them broken.....

    Relationship are like broken piece of glass, its better to leave them broken than trying to connect together. Ex's can always be a big problem in new relationship. Seems like you have moved on from previous relationship and are happy with new relationship but he is not. He is still stuck at the same place and seems very confused with his love life. Since he is your ex, you have a soft corner for his feelings.
    The only way to get away from this mess is stop contacting him, cutt of from facebook, emails, common friends or any type of contact. Let him know you do not like him anymore, and to be on safe side, tell him you are in love with this new relationship and you will not be entertained. Women always tend to think they can be friends with ex bf, but for men feelings can come back and then situation gets complex and messy. Tell him you have completely moved on, you are married to someone else and do not even wish to be friends. If he ever tries to contact you, you will tell your husband and cops. Sorry but only way you can distance him from you is by harsh words. Wish you goodluck.

  6. #6
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    Going through difficult times...pls advice

    Hello,
    I've recently joined the forum and was going through various posts. Lakshmi, read through your post.

    Similar to what others have said, i feel it will be 'the best and wise' thing to share your thoughts and concern with two people (one your husband and second your mother) no body will understand better than them two.

    Give it a try, speak and make them aware of the situation. And STOP TALKING TO THAT GUY. Let him to go to hell. He has no right to even think about you, after all the mental torture he gave you.

    Prakash1234 rightly said - Relationship are like broken piece of glass, its better to leave them broken.....

    All the best
    (if you get time, do post and let others on this thread know the outcome) Our best wishes are with you.

    Hope you will get

  7. #7

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    The brutally honest approach ....

    Though you will have some convincing to do .... in case you have not slept with that guy .... u should tell yr husband.
    Tell him, that you did not know where yr true happiness lay .....
    You have been honest to everyone except the one who loves you the most, isn't it?

  8. #8
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    Same pinch with my sister...

    Sorry to hear your plight...
    My sister too had the same problem, the man was her ex-boy friend...
    He came back after her marriage to create problems of black mail, jealousy & despair...
    Luckily I intervened & things didn't go out of hand...
    We handled it in a spiritual way...
    These days it's really stupid to talk to these kind of men & find reason...
    They get some sort of joy in troubling girls & women like this...
    Your matter as far as I can sense is tricky...
    You have to be very careful with dealing with this moron guy...
    I think he still hold some sort of old feelings for you...
    And that's where you should apply medicine...
    Let me talk to my husband & find out...the persons name & address...
    If there's Vashikarana to make people together, there's opposite also to break the relation, feelings and all...its called Bhinnabhairavi Homam & Pooja...
    Trust me it works, if its done by powerful person...
    I will surely find out the person details tomorrow...
    Don't worry too much...
    These too will pass...keep the faith...God Bless !!!



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