Hi Hmm123,

Frankly speaking I didn't got a word u wanted to say...
May be ur English I couldn't understand But hope anyone else could decrypt whatever you have written...

By this encrypted msg I just got that you are facing problem with ur In-laws but what exactly i didn't get..

Would you plz mind giving every detail in simple English as we don't understand Hi-Fi English..
And if you find problem in simple English then plz reply in Hindi...

And Plz tell us when u got married ur husband was working or not and How ur parents gave him money and not his parents...
And Plz tell us How u sponsored him and what is this Border issue I didn't get it...

After these answers only one can be able to help u out...

Hi Anamika,

If I may call you, becos i dont know your real name and I like this one if it doesnt offend you.

I can certainly understand your predicament and the situation you are in. From your post, it looks like you have also given it back everytime thats why the stalemate and the rough weather continues between you and your inlaws. These type of situations have become so common these days and the husband wife duo are caught in the melee and their happiness goes for a toss.

You mentioned that your hubby told you that he loves you still, did he really mean it or told you becos u asked him. I am sure you can feel whats actually in his mind. Its really nice of you to have taken the responsibility in the beginning and did all that you could to make your better half stand on his own. You couldnt have done better and your husband and inlaws should be grateful, becos it is usually the other way around.

I suggest you have a heart to heart talk with him and pour your mind to him. Please let him know that as much as he doesnt want to leave the family, you would also not like any split, but at the same time if he wants the family to be intact then he must take necessary steps. You may apologize whole heartedly to him, if he felt that some of your actions / words have hurt his parents / sister. Be genuine in doing so and I am sure he would appreciate it. Having said so, you must also make it very clear that you would not tolerate any nonsense from your inlaws about bitching and cursing your parents. They have no right to be mean. Ak your husband, if you wished the same for your inlaws whether he would tolerate it.

All throughout your discussion, keep your cool and dont get emotional and flare up even if your husband reacts angrily or indifferently. Let this be a first positive step from your end towards establishing peace and harmony within your family.

Tell your husband to give you space and let him think about your happiness, afterall you both got married to lead a life of joy and share the same with your daughter, ask him, what is the use of spoiling it by straining relations by siding with parents and SIL.

Dont get in to minute details like recalling what ur mil/fil said about you in the past, may be you can quote one or two instances, but tell your hubby that you are willing to forget everything and want to start fresh provided he supports you completely in future in the best interests of your marital life. Tell your husband, Past is Past, lets live for ourselves and not for others. if he is a sensible man, he would understand.

I wish you the very best and hope to see you smiling soon, keep in touch and lets know how this goes.

Sanjay


> Hmm123 wrote:

> Hello!  I have been dealing with a situation that came to a head back in March, but continues to rear its ugly head to this day and I need to be able to "speak" with someone who understands.  I have been married for quite a while and the in-laws have come from india to canada a few times.  Each time they left it was my fault, but still remained friendly.  My SIL also lives in Canada, but far from us (which doesn't stop her from interferring).  The last time they left, I asked them to stay, apologized for whatever I did wrong and MIL said it wasn't us but her and she missed India.  Then this past winter they called to say they were coming and gave a list to my husband about their expectations and the reasons they left last time--it was all me---commandering the kitchen, husband having to spend mandatory time with them...things like that....oh providing them with a monthly allowance as well.  They never said anything to my face even tho' hubby told them I was on the other line, they didn't acknowledge me.  They get here, first month OK, but to be honest I was resentful of the fact they were here with demands...like we needed them to be here.  Pretty soon it felt like I was an outsider in my home--remember hubby and I make the same amount of $$ and they have never helped us financially---instead hubby has repeatedly taken $$ from my parents and doesn't even discuss paying them back.

Finally with health issues and problems with insurance they decided to go back for a bit.  MIL had problems at the border and caused everyone stress.  She was fine with me all the way to the airport.  She get back home to india and FIL talks to me and stupid me I don't clue in and keep calling until she talks to me.  Well, she just let me have it over the phone telling me that any bit of love she may have had for me was all gone and that I have ruined anything that might have been...she blamed me for their insurance issues (which were due to them lying on official documents and then being caught), blamed border issues on me and my family.

Hubby calls every week and they speak with him and our daughter.  They repeatedly tell hubby to have male friends and make his own "social circle" (which means away from me) and grill him on which friends he has seen.  A family function is coming up and FIL has told hubby that I should not go to it (it from his side).

MIL has bluntly told hubby that she prays every day that my mother becomes ill and bed ridden and had told me right before she left that if hubby wasn't in India but abroad that there was no way he would have married me.  I've asked hubby if he wants a divorce and he says he wouldn't break his family and not see his daughter.  He says he loves me, but how long can this really go on.  I read older posts and I wish I could remain silent and take it, but I can't.  It would have been one thing if after marriage I moved into their home and under their rule, but I sponsored hubby, worked while he found a job and continued to work to this day.  MIL continuely tells me how lucky I am that they let me work---I wish I could say that I don't want to work, I work to pay bills.

I've had conception issues and when I miscarried, my FIL told the entire family it was all my fault because he's sure I didn't eat properly when I did everything by the book.

I apologize for the long post, but apparently I had more to say than initially thought.  I don't really have any friends I can be close with and would appreciate any and all advice.

Thanks in advance!

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post.  SwetaS, I am sorry you were not able to understand the post.  The "border" I was referring to was the US/Canada border since we live close to the border.
In no way am I saying that I may not be at fault becuase we all know that it takes two to tango or "taali doh haat na bajh di aah."  The main problem, I think, is that they want me to forget my parents and everyone and be all about them, but this doesn't work for SIL.  In-laws are quite modern and "educated" which they remind me every other day---not that I'm not---I have my masters and earn as much as hubby who is an engineer.  My father is originally from a village in punjab and has worked hard all his life and my family is quite religious---there's isn't---but continue to do stuff that a pundit requires.  My parents and I are from Canada and it was an arranged marriage in India.

I have had a heart to heart with hubby when I realized my health was suffering and I asked frankly if we wanted a divorce.  The in-laws do not live with us and things are better at home, but it's the fact that he has to go into another room to call India to his parents and SIL wants to call him on his cell to talk.  In laws do not ask about me or even want to hear anything about me....in fact when hubby relates stories about their granddaughter he changes the situation so when he tells it it's him and her and I wasn't even there and that is hurtful.

I am a straight talker and I can't speak hindi/punjabi eloquently so my MIL or SIL will insult me in front of others in such a way that I don't even know how to respond because if I try it comes out as "rough" and defensive.

I wish I could just draw a line, but I can't stand this kind of disharmony....hubby thinks I think too much...and when we talk about parents and what they have said...his response is that how much more do I want since they are all alone in INdia (trust me they are not helpless, they have servants, hefty pension, and someone or other is visiting them, have retirees club parties, etc).  They are the type to complain b/se they have a cough...it's the end of the world and how helpless they are....my parents are the other way....they could be dying and they would never tell you otherwise.

I think the real reason is MIL feels I've taken her son...he used to be a mommas boy until we got married, but I think he just wanted to spread his wings and she wouldn't let him....everything has always got to be aobut her and when I try to have a frank talk...I tried when they were here and it would turn out to be my problem and would be used against me....so talking frankly doesn't work.

Thanks everyone for being my sounding board and SwetaS I hope this post was understandable.  The reason I don't give my name or other details is that I'm am petrified that SIL will find this site or post.

Hmm123,

Hi dear,It's an amusing post for me because I'm undergoing almost similar things in my life.I have been suffering it for the past 5 yrs.But I never said anything wrong to them till now hoping that one fine day everything would be fine ,also my mom always tell me that it's better to be patient.I too faced the same thing.They call and talk with hus and daughter,I felt really hurt that i was an alien there!Many times I cried thinking y God denied a peaceful living to me.But now ,i have made up my mind after these 5 years.I deided to stand straight because my past experiences had proved that that peaceful time the dreams of which made me silent  can never ever hepl me.They were exploiting the silence of me,my parents and husband.So I told my husband that I shoud get the minimum consideration from them ,otherwise we need no contact with them till they come to  the path of sincere love and relation.even if both of us r sad about not knowing any news,of them,we hav no other option.So we stick onto that.If we keep relations,that should be nice,sincere and deep,that's what I belive.So U too stand together against this bad behaviour of them,one fine day they'll recognize their foolishness and selfishness and will come to the right path.

Dear Hmm123,
We can be patient for oneyear,two years or max.3-4 yrs.But Even after 5 years it is the same!Then it should come to our understanding that our patience is being exploited by those who enjoy the benifits of our patience.See dear friend,even I have been waiting for these 5 long yrs to have a peaceful togetherness.But wat to do if they don't consider it a big thing needed in their life as well!Even if we stopped contacting them since a month,we do care about their financial matters.U know, that is the thing which plays a major role in relations these days.We send money to their bank account so that they can pay their loans and manage the household affairs.So our final conclusion is this : We won't trouble them in financial matters,but if they want any sincere relation that is above money they have to stop harassing me.I never wanted such an alienation!But now I've made up my mind-if there is arelation ,it should be sincere,otherwise Y is it there?I'm a strong believer of God.In so many issues,I have been tested by God,now I can consider this too as another testing,that's all.I had some serious health issues about 2 yrs ago.The whole family of mine was shoched to c me suffer,they were all praying for my coming back to life whereas my MIL was harassing me over the telephone(regarding very silly issues).Nobody can understand the pain that I was undergoing then.Anyway,that was an eye-opener to my hubby too!Till then he too was like my mom-always telling to leave all unnecessary incidents!But after the last shouting from their part,I took a firm stance that this's to be stopped for ever(because everytime it affects my mental and physical health,my daughter's routine including shooling etc).Our daughter is our one and only hope and happiness.If these issues go on like this it might hinder her happy childhood activities(bcos we both r tensed and can't pay attention to her naughty activitis and all).My hubby also is very nice gentleman who can only love all his relations including me,daughter,parents ,brother,in-laws and all.But now he too longs for a peaceful life.He was sure the last time that he might lose us if things r like this and he seems to be very sad and irritated about his mom's  abusing comments about me.That's y he too decided to b firm in this decision.But ,really we both are sad to continue like this.He told them to be mature in their dealings and we r waitng for that.It doesnt mean that we hate them ,but they shud stop this problem-making,that's all.my husband has always been a very humble son too.So i'm sure that we r not doing anything wrong,istead trying to end up problems.